Ever since she was born, I've loved being her mom... now, everything out of my mouth is fucking "gaslighting".
I fucking quit tramadol. Quitting pain pills was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I may have had kratom and cbd/thc to assist the quit, but I still felt like absolute shit, and it still took me a long, long time to feel myself again. Then she stops going to school. I can do nothing to get her out of bed, and it drags me down. I usually LOVE the routine of putting on my makeup in the mornings, getting ready with her... but with her staying home, I often feel like WTF is the point of it all? What the fuck was the point of quitting pills? Maybe I should find them and take a handful.
Monday, May 2, 2022
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The truth about Santa - from Cozi.com
This is beautiful and sweet - so I had to share
http://www.cozi.com/live-simply/truth-about-santa
http://www.cozi.com/live-simply/truth-about-santa
Dear Lucy,
Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: “Are you Santa?”
I know you’ve wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.
The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.
I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)
I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.
This won’t make you Santa, though.
Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.
It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.
Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.
With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.
So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.
I love you and I always will.
Mama
Thursday, April 1, 2010
What I Would Tell Her: (If I Knew What to Say)
You are a miracle.
And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.
You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.
Being a mother means having your heart broken.
And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.
And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.
Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.
Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.
But you must remember this: What you’re doing matters.
And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.
The truth is, being a woman is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is a nothing short of a privilege.
That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.
I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:
You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.
And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.
by Katherine Center
And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.
You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.
Being a mother means having your heart broken.
And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.
And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.
Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.
Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.
But you must remember this: What you’re doing matters.
And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.
The truth is, being a woman is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is a nothing short of a privilege.
That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.
I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:
You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.
And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.
by Katherine Center
Thursday, November 5, 2009
4-month update
She's not actually 4 months until Monday, but we went ahead and got the appt out of the way. My pedi left the chain clinic he worked for and opened his own place - it's WAY closer and he's open 7 days/wk.
Weight - 14lbs 12oz
Height - 25.5 inches (wow!)
Head Circ - 17 inches
He also heard her cough, but he said her lungs are clear - likely just weather-related and to keep up the humidifier use and give a call if she gets a fever or stops eating.
95% for all categories. She got 3 vax yesterday, too - the pediarix mega-vax, hib, and oral Rotavirus. She was a little warm last night, so before her last bottle, we gave her a dose of Motrin and she played with us a little before getting too drowsy. We'll take her for the PCV vax on Saturday - and then she'll be up to date.
She screamed and cried for just a minute - when doc was done, so was she w/crying...but oooh, they bled! He stuck her higher up on her leg than the nurse did before - almost at her hip - and they bled more than before :( poor baby girl. She was all smiles this morning, though.
Weight - 14lbs 12oz
Height - 25.5 inches (wow!)
Head Circ - 17 inches
He also heard her cough, but he said her lungs are clear - likely just weather-related and to keep up the humidifier use and give a call if she gets a fever or stops eating.
95% for all categories. She got 3 vax yesterday, too - the pediarix mega-vax, hib, and oral Rotavirus. She was a little warm last night, so before her last bottle, we gave her a dose of Motrin and she played with us a little before getting too drowsy. We'll take her for the PCV vax on Saturday - and then she'll be up to date.
She screamed and cried for just a minute - when doc was done, so was she w/crying...but oooh, they bled! He stuck her higher up on her leg than the nurse did before - almost at her hip - and they bled more than before :( poor baby girl. She was all smiles this morning, though.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Happy 2-month birthday, baby girl!
That's right - it's been two months since my beautiful daughter made her appearance in the world. I'm still as enthralled by her as I was on day one...maybe more. I look at her and am in awe. I'm her Mommy... *sigh* and I'm still so in love with her.
Well, today she had her two-month check up and half of her first vaccines - only half. I don't want to overload her system... Rotavirus & DTaP today, the next two before the end of the month...Our pedi is leaving Sadler clinic (apparently, they are not very nice to docs and doc are quitting left & right), and we're following her doc into his private practice - the best part? It's closer to us! His office at Sadler is in Conroe and he's moving to 1960 - woohoo!
The updates - Val is now 22.5" long and 12lbs 5oz! She's growing so much! I carried her up to the office in her sling...she LOVES it, and she's always so relaxed when she's riding in it...except when she's hungry.lol.
She tried spitting out the rotavirus vaccine, but most of it got down. When it was time for the DTaP, I was shocked at the size of the needle. Seriously, I know it has to get into her muscle, but it looked long enough to poke her femur! We told her it would hurt, but that she'd be ok - and she only cried for a few seconds...then Gabe put the bottle back in her mouth - she was hungry and finished the bottle after the shot.
So far, 6 hours after the injection, she's had no side effects...except for being more tired - or at least, craving more closeness. I nursed her and cuddled her after her bottle...and she fell asleep on my chest. I love that so much - it's so comfy having her just lay there, all relaxed.
Two months - seems like a long time in some respects, and in others, like no time at all.
Well, today she had her two-month check up and half of her first vaccines - only half. I don't want to overload her system... Rotavirus & DTaP today, the next two before the end of the month...Our pedi is leaving Sadler clinic (apparently, they are not very nice to docs and doc are quitting left & right), and we're following her doc into his private practice - the best part? It's closer to us! His office at Sadler is in Conroe and he's moving to 1960 - woohoo!
The updates - Val is now 22.5" long and 12lbs 5oz! She's growing so much! I carried her up to the office in her sling...she LOVES it, and she's always so relaxed when she's riding in it...except when she's hungry.lol.
She tried spitting out the rotavirus vaccine, but most of it got down. When it was time for the DTaP, I was shocked at the size of the needle. Seriously, I know it has to get into her muscle, but it looked long enough to poke her femur! We told her it would hurt, but that she'd be ok - and she only cried for a few seconds...then Gabe put the bottle back in her mouth - she was hungry and finished the bottle after the shot.
So far, 6 hours after the injection, she's had no side effects...except for being more tired - or at least, craving more closeness. I nursed her and cuddled her after her bottle...and she fell asleep on my chest. I love that so much - it's so comfy having her just lay there, all relaxed.
Two months - seems like a long time in some respects, and in others, like no time at all.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Scary dream about Val
In the dream, we were at her 2-month pedi appointment for shots...
The oral vaccine, which I know is a liquid, was a pill in the dream, and the nurse put the pill in Val's mouth, and FORCED it shut! My little one was whimpering and crying for me, but they wouldn't let me hold her... Then came the jab in her thigh - they STILL wouldn't let me hold her or comfort her - and she screamed ... and my heart broke for her, and I started crying.
Next, they sat her up and brought out a foot-long needle which they put into her back vertically, like it was going in next to her spine... I fucking woke up crying! I KNOW that's not something she has to get...
My fear of needles is really nothing to laugh at... and it hurts me so much to think that she will have any kind of pain.
Since we're doing an alternate vaccine schedule - which I did check w/her daycare is okay - I don't think we'll NEED the baby Tylenol, but I think we'll have it on hand anyway, just in case. I fully intend to nurse her after the visit, to soothe her.
I'm nervous about that visit. I know my mom hated having to hold me down for shots ... I just want to be able to hold Val so she knows she can always hold on to me, so she knows I'll always be here for her. The only reason I wouldn't want to hold her while she's getting jabbed - I don't want her to feel MY fear, my trepidation, my tears. I'd take away ALL that pain if I could.
The oral vaccine, which I know is a liquid, was a pill in the dream, and the nurse put the pill in Val's mouth, and FORCED it shut! My little one was whimpering and crying for me, but they wouldn't let me hold her... Then came the jab in her thigh - they STILL wouldn't let me hold her or comfort her - and she screamed ... and my heart broke for her, and I started crying.
Next, they sat her up and brought out a foot-long needle which they put into her back vertically, like it was going in next to her spine... I fucking woke up crying! I KNOW that's not something she has to get...
My fear of needles is really nothing to laugh at... and it hurts me so much to think that she will have any kind of pain.
Since we're doing an alternate vaccine schedule - which I did check w/her daycare is okay - I don't think we'll NEED the baby Tylenol, but I think we'll have it on hand anyway, just in case. I fully intend to nurse her after the visit, to soothe her.
I'm nervous about that visit. I know my mom hated having to hold me down for shots ... I just want to be able to hold Val so she knows she can always hold on to me, so she knows I'll always be here for her. The only reason I wouldn't want to hold her while she's getting jabbed - I don't want her to feel MY fear, my trepidation, my tears. I'd take away ALL that pain if I could.
Monday, August 3, 2009
4 week update
Took Val to her pedi today... 9lbs 3.5oz and 21.5 inches long! She grew an inch in two weeks! TWO WEEKS! OY!!!
I asked about the eye thing, and he said that it's normal because she hasn't developed those muscles well yet...ok, I feel better.
She's got to go back on her 2-month bday to get the first of vaccinations...:( I've already decided to do Dr Sears' alternate schedule - it spreads them out more so she's not getting so many jabs. Yes, I have needle issues, hopefully, my daughter won't have them too.
I asked about the eye thing, and he said that it's normal because she hasn't developed those muscles well yet...ok, I feel better.
She's got to go back on her 2-month bday to get the first of vaccinations...:( I've already decided to do Dr Sears' alternate schedule - it spreads them out more so she's not getting so many jabs. Yes, I have needle issues, hopefully, my daughter won't have them too.
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