Phantym Goddess

The truth about Santa - from Cozi.com

2011-11-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

This is beautiful and sweet - so I had to share

http://www.cozi.com/live-simply/truth-about-santa

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: “Are you Santa?”

I know you’ve wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.

The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won’t make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.

With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.

I love you and I always will.

Mama

What I Would Tell Her: (If I Knew What to Say)

2010-04-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

You are a miracle.

And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.

You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.

Being a mother means having your heart broken.

And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.

And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.

Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.

Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.

But you must remember this: What you’re doing matters.

And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.

The truth is, being a woman is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is a nothing short of a privilege.

That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.

I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:

You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.

And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.

by Katherine Center

4-month update

2009-11-05T12:01:00.000-08:00

She's not actually 4 months until Monday, but we went ahead and got the appt out of the way. My pedi left the chain clinic he worked for and opened his own place - it's WAY closer and he's open 7 days/wk.

Weight - 14lbs 12oz
Height - 25.5 inches (wow!)
Head Circ - 17 inches

He also heard her cough, but he said her lungs are clear - likely just weather-related and to keep up the humidifier use and give a call if she gets a fever or stops eating.

95% for all categories. She got 3 vax yesterday, too - the pediarix mega-vax, hib, and oral Rotavirus. She was a little warm last night, so before her last bottle, we gave her a dose of Motrin and she played with us a little before getting too drowsy. We'll take her for the PCV vax on Saturday - and then she'll be up to date.

She screamed and cried for just a minute - when doc was done, so was she w/crying...but oooh, they bled! He stuck her higher up on her leg than the nurse did before - almost at her hip - and they bled more than before :( poor baby girl. She was all smiles this morning, though.

Happy 2-month birthday, baby girl!

2009-09-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

That's right - it's been two months since my beautiful daughter made her appearance in the world. I'm still as enthralled by her as I was on day one...maybe more. I look at her and am in awe. I'm her Mommy... *sigh* and I'm still so in love with her.

Well, today she had her two-month check up and half of her first vaccines - only half. I don't want to overload her system... Rotavirus & DTaP today, the next two before the end of the month...Our pedi is leaving Sadler clinic (apparently, they are not very nice to docs and doc are quitting left & right), and we're following her doc into his private practice - the best part? It's closer to us! His office at Sadler is in Conroe and he's moving to 1960 - woohoo!

The updates - Val is now 22.5" long and 12lbs 5oz! She's growing so much! I carried her up to the office in her sling...she LOVES it, and she's always so relaxed when she's riding in it...except when she's hungry.lol.

She tried spitting out the rotavirus vaccine, but most of it got down. When it was time for the DTaP, I was shocked at the size of the needle. Seriously, I know it has to get into her muscle, but it looked long enough to poke her femur! We told her it would hurt, but that she'd be ok - and she only cried for a few seconds...then Gabe put the bottle back in her mouth - she was hungry and finished the bottle after the shot.

So far, 6 hours after the injection, she's had no side effects...except for being more tired - or at least, craving more closeness. I nursed her and cuddled her after her bottle...and she fell asleep on my chest. I love that so much - it's so comfy having her just lay there, all relaxed.

Two months - seems like a long time in some respects, and in others, like no time at all.

Scary dream about Val

2009-09-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

In the dream, we were at her 2-month pedi appointment for shots...

The oral vaccine, which I know is a liquid, was a pill in the dream, and the nurse put the pill in Val's mouth, and FORCED it shut! My little one was whimpering and crying for me, but they wouldn't let me hold her... Then came the jab in her thigh - they STILL wouldn't let me hold her or comfort her - and she screamed ... and my heart broke for her, and I started crying.

Next, they sat her up and brought out a foot-long needle which they put into her back vertically, like it was going in next to her spine... I fucking woke up crying! I KNOW that's not something she has to get...

My fear of needles is really nothing to laugh at... and it hurts me so much to think that she will have any kind of pain.

Since we're doing an alternate vaccine schedule - which I did check w/her daycare is okay - I don't think we'll NEED the baby Tylenol, but I think we'll have it on hand anyway, just in case. I fully intend to nurse her after the visit, to soothe her.

I'm nervous about that visit. I know my mom hated having to hold me down for shots ... I just want to be able to hold Val so she knows she can always hold on to me, so she knows I'll always be here for her. The only reason I wouldn't want to hold her while she's getting jabbed - I don't want her to feel MY fear, my trepidation, my tears. I'd take away ALL that pain if I could.

4 week update

2009-08-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

Took Val to her pedi today... 9lbs 3.5oz and 21.5 inches long! She grew an inch in two weeks! TWO WEEKS! OY!!!

I asked about the eye thing, and he said that it's normal because she hasn't developed those muscles well yet...ok, I feel better.

She's got to go back on her 2-month bday to get the first of vaccinations...:( I've already decided to do Dr Sears' alternate schedule - it spreads them out more so she's not getting so many jabs. Yes, I have needle issues, hopefully, my daughter won't have them too.

2 week update and other news

2009-07-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been some time since the last update...so here goes:

We got out of the hospital on Saturday, and I ended up going to the ER the following Wednesday night... my incision was draining. A LOT. ...and the drainage smelled - granted, it smelled like old blood, which is supposedly normal(ish), but it still freaked me the fuck out.

14 hours in the fucking ER. 14. Fucking. Hours. ...then I finally got into a room. While in the ER - got an IV, bloodwork, CT scan, a couple bandage changes, and had to feel the pressure of thinking Gabe was about to crack. He left the room a couple of times for bathroom breaks and to walk around ... sometimes he took Val, sometimes he left her with me - not that I could do anything. Doc Williams talked about the possibility of surgery or someone from radiology using a needle to drain the incision... neither happened. I found this out AFTER I got into my room... he came in and said he'd just let it drain on its own (oh, yay) and give me antibiotics - 2 different ones (sometimes, it sucks to be allergic to penicillin)... and one of which can possibly cause problems in BF babies... I read the "CareNote" that the nurse printed out for me...and then immediately called his office - I don't want to risk Val's health b/c I'm sick. He checked again, and then he reassured me that it was fine to nurse her while on the meds...

...well, the first nurse that was caring for me scared the piss out of me. She said "you need someone here to care for your baby, while we're caring for you. Be sure to wash your hands really well before touching her, because you don't want to get her sick... just in case your infection tests as resistant to antibiotics" ...I don't remember all of what she said, but she basically told me that if I touched Val, I'd make her sick - and she was less than 1 week old. No, I didn't have anyone to leave her with...thankfully, Mom was able to come stay with me while Gabe had to work.

...and before you think it - my doc said that it was NOT MY FAULT that the incision started draining. He said that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, even though there are people in my life who think otherwise and have told me so (you know who you are-and I'm waiting for my apology).

The drainage was coming from between the subcutaneous layer where he stitched me up and the top layer that was superglued... better than staples, thank you very much.

In other news...

Val had her 2 week pediatrician appointment last Monday (okay, she wasn't exactly 2 weeks old) with the same pedi that saw her at the hospital. He's in Conroe - do you think it's worth the drive for a pedi that you LIKE? In this case, I do...but once I go back to work, well, we'll see.

She's nearly back up to her birth weight - 8lbs .5 oz at the doc's - and she's gained 1/2" in length - up to 20.5" long! yay!

I asked the doc all kinds of questions, as did my mom & Gabe - and he reassured us as new parents that what's going on is normal (I was concerned w/the hiccups), and that she's healthy and we've got nothing to worry about...

...but I failed to ask about her behavior when she's drifting off... Val rolls her eyes up and her lids flutter when she's about half asleep...it looks like she's having a seizure, but Mom says that's normal, and that Brittney fell asleep much the same way. Gabe's not too concerned... he says I'm worried over nothing. That may well be, but I'm still gonna ask her doc when we go back next week.

Val's still eating like a little piggy... since my hospital stay, my supply has declined some, but she's still nursing and we're supplementing with formula - more formula than boob juice, and that sucks... but I think I'm on the way back to having the supply I did before.

Thanks to my mom, Gabe and I are both getting some sleep ... when we stay at Mom's while Gabe's on overnights, I actually get 9 hours or so of straight sleep - yay. Mom says that during that time, Val gets up twice - 330am and 7am or thereabouts. Not too bad...

...now, if only I can convince Gabe to make OUR bed, and let Val sleep in her bassinet next to our bed. He's scared to sleep while she's sleeping... I understand that fear, but we still need our sleep. I told him that if he's that concerned, we should invest in a motion monitor by AngelCare - it sends an alarm to 2 receivers if there's no movement for 20 seconds. He thinks that's too much $ to spend... for our peace of mind, and sanity from sleep - I think it's worth it. Val is definitely worth it.

Valkyrie's Birth Story

2009-07-12T03:28:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning, we went to St Luke's for my induction, to try and get labor started... everything about the induction SUCKED.

4am, check in, get to my L&D room, change and hop in bed... The IV hurt like a motherfucker, but that's the only way the pitocin (evil!) was getting into my body... minor contractions started later in the morning. My first nurse checked me - 80% effaced and 1cm dilated... 90 minutes later, in walks doc Williams, and HE had to check me too - by this time, I'm already pissed - if you've never had a hand in your vag to check your cervix - it's NOT FUN, and VERY uncomfortable..... seriously - it felt like I was being violated. Every time.

What's less fun? Having to stay on my goddamn back so the nurses could monitor Val's heartbeat and my contractions. When I started asking for drugs - Stadol for pain, Phenergan for nausea - I was finally able to get SOME sleep... and that went on all day. The first dose knocked me out, which was good, because Gabe was finally able to get some sleep too. That was probably around 9 or 10 or so... from then up until 2 or 3pm, it was a barrage of dozing, getting up (painfully) to go pee, cervical checks and arguing with the fucking nurses about being able to find Val's heartrate because I HAD to try and get comfy... let me mention here, that her heartrate was steady. It would elevate when she would play ninja and move away from the monitor or when she would stick her feet in my ribs... NEVER showed signed of fetal distress. NEVER.

2pm or so, Doc Williams checked me one last time - NO progress, new gameplan. Turn off the pitocin and let me and Gabe eat some food, then after eating, I'd get Cervadil inserted (yeah, that was a boatload of fun, too), and 12 hours later (or so) I'd get checked and see what was going on...

So we ate some - me, Gabe, Mom & Dad - and mom and dad left to go home, partly because I didn't want them to see me in the state I was in - insane, pissed, hurt, and in lots of pain. Got the Cervadil a little after 6... still in pain, because the pitocin DID induce labor, and turning it off didn't stop it. So... all night, back and forth, trying to sleep, get drugs for pain - my back labor was fucking murder! I wanted to KILL my doctor - this was not the way I wanted my daughter born.

Gabe was awesome through all this... I was able to teach him how to massage my back so that the labor didn't hurt quite as bad. He did what he could to sleep, and he set up my computer's power cord as a link between us, when he needed to sleep on the floor beside me - he said "just pull it, and I'll get up". I never did pull it, but the nurses made him move from the floor - the couch was too uncomfy for him... and he was miserable. It sucked for both of us - we both hate seeing each other in pain, and he offered to break Doc Williams' legs for me. Anything to not see me hurting.

The next morning, after getting my vag violated again - still NO progress. Doc says, "we gotta do a c-section" ... my labor was unproductive and the baby wasn't descending. I immediately freaked out, and Gabe was at my side telling me that everything would be fine and that we'd get to meet our daughter. Between him and the handful of amazing nurses - I felt okay about it, even though I was upset. Kym was the super-perky one - and the one I adore the most...she was so bright and positive it was hard to stay on the dark side of things. She had to call anethesiology, and when things were put in motion, I asked her how long and she said "about 45 minutes, you might wanna get on that phone" ...so I did. Tried calling mom, but she was driving, so I called dad and told him to find her and get there because I was about to go have the baby... I sent text messages to a few people, but not to everyone...I sent them to the people that know how to say "Hey, it's okay, we love you and can't wait to hear everything!"

After all was said and done, they wheeled me off to the O.R. and Kym told me what was going to happen and that I could do it, and she'd be there the whole time. She even hooked up my iPod so we could have Metallica in the background (I joked to Doc Williams that I didn't have any Jimmy Buffett on it). He wanted a combined spinal/epidural so it would last a long time and be super fast-acting.

The anesthesiologist was a rock star! He only whined that my IV wasn't in a big vein and that I needed more fluids, but as soon as he started poking around my back, he said, "yeah, this is good" ... Kym gave me a pillow and had me lean over, and she put her arms around me, making me arch my back more... She said "You'll feel a stick and you might feel a burning sensation, and then you'll feel some pressure" .... I told her "we'll have the pressure vs. pain conversation later" and we laughed some about it (yeah, totally nervous laughter on my part). The needle stick was NOT that bad, and I didn't feel a burning, I felt like there was a bubble moving down the right side of my back, then when Kym said something about feeling pressure, I felt a bubble down the left side...not weird at all. Then she said "Ok, it's done" and before she finished saying that, I felt warmth spreading ... and they had me lay down - and let me say this - holy shit, that stuff worked FAST! ...and I'm so glad it was warm, b/c the OR was COLD.

The brought up the drape so I couldn't see anything, three nurses got my non-working legs apart for the foley catheter and that was the last sensation I had of my legs - it felt like they were OPEN for the rest of the surgery!

Doc started the surgery and Holly (in pink) was behind me asking if I needed anything - I needed anti-nausea meds and my husband....she said he was on the way in, and so were my drugs. He sat next to me and held my hand... I always feared the worst about c-sections - dying because I bled out... he took away all my fear when I saw the love in his eyes. Holly (in pink) told me when they were at my uterus, that I'd feel them pulling and pushing around my ribs when they were getting her out. She told me they were almost there, and all I could think was "fuck, that's weird!" hehe... they pulled her out, cut the cord and she cried out I will NEVER forget that moment... I looked right at Gabe and we were both crying... I didn't get to see or feel her being born, but hearing those first cries made all I went through for her worth it... every bit of it, totally worth hearing those cries...and seeing Gabe's eyes told me so much. He's always been my hero - and he always will be.

When they were closing me up, Gabe went over to where the nurses were cleaning up Val, and after they swaddled her and gave her to him - he came over to me, and I looked right into her beautiful eyes and cried even harder. Gabe was looking at her with disbelief, awe, and so much love. ...seeing him looking at her like that made me love him even more - I didn't think it was possible.

When doc Williams was done, Kym said "Ok, Laura, we're supergluing your incision and then we're done!" They wheeled me back to my L&D room...

Val's stats - 8lbs 1oz, 20 inches long, born 7.9.09 at 9:19am.

Just a minute after her birth, she pooed all over the place...hehe.

Mom and Dad came into my room right after I got rolled back in... mom was boo-hooing, of course, and Dad was relieved to see that I was ok. About 20 minutes later, the LC came in because we needed to get established in breastfeeding right away so that the bond and desire for Val to BF would be strong...OH- and it IS!

After, they moved me to the post partum floor (just one up)... on the way up, mind you, I'm just now getting SOME feeling back... Kym tells me that she had to give me a shot in my thigh to stop my bleeding...I joked with her that "oh, so that why I have this sore spot!" "No you don't! Let me see, is that where i got ya?" ... totally kidding.

The worst part of recovery was that I couldn't help Gabe with her messy dipes and I couldn't get up - between numbness and the foley...ugh. The next morning, the really worst part was getting the foley out - oh, that hurt like a motherfucker! ...I felt violated yet again... I cried a lot of tears because it hurt... the tech's saying "take a deep breath" and I'm thinking STFU. Then she breaks out the peri bottle and starts cleaning me up (I saw the blood on the foley after she yanked it out - feels like a pinch? not on your fuckin life)... she said "this will taking away the stinging" ...umm, HOW does it take away the sting when you're not even cleaning where the sting IS!??!?! Stupid cunt - I'm really glad that she didn't come back the next day.

The night nurse was awesome - Tracy... she was funny and positive, kinda like Kym, and I really appreciated it.

After the foley came out, about an hour or two later - after Carol, my day nurse, came in to tell me to call her when I was ready to try getting up - I got up, without her help... but with Gabe's. It felt SOOOO freaking good to pee on my own, even if it hurt like hell getting there... honestly, though, the numbness in my ass (from being bedridden for 24 hours post-surg) was far more painful than my abs. Carol was VERY impressed - yeah, I called her after the fact... and when she came in, I was standing up and holding Val... and Val seemed so happy to have her happy mom back...and Gabe was relieved to have some help with her, and he could get some sleep.

I got a shower later that day (the 10th) and it felt amaaaaazzzzing!!! After that, I put on MY clothes - buh-bye hospital gown!!! I stayed in real clothes for the rest of the time we were there... Doc Williams came by and checked my incision - all looks good.

This morning, Saturday the 11th, Carol started arranging things, helping me out so we could be discharged. She even wheeled me down to the car and gave me a hug before we left and said how beautiful and amazing I did as far as recovering. I sat in the backseat with Val for the drive home... Gabe insisted.

We're home now... and while I am in lots of pain still, I've got my meds, my man, and my baby girl. I'm in love...head over heels.

40 week update

2009-07-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

So, Wednesday was my 40 week mark. BP still good, baby's HR still good... got another ultrasound, and Val is estimated to weigh nearly 9 lbs. oy!

1cm dilated on Wednesday...and if I don't go into labor on my own between now & the 8th, I will have to be at the hospital at 4am (too goddamn early! fucking doctor doesn't need to be there to catch her - someone else can do it if he really has to be home w/his family!) for induction. I do NOT want to be induced. DO. NOT. Why? Because inductions raise the chances of a c-section. I really don't want that either.

I've got issues concerning both... the worst is that I think I'll feel like a failure if I have to have a c-section. Huge failure. (Please don't leave comments saying otherwise-you don't know what's going on in my head) ...

My cousin, Scott, has fucking lied to me. First time, that I know of... the day after my baby shower, he called and said he wanted to get me a travel system. I said I'd already gotten one, and he said for me to take it back, that it's something he does for all his cousins. Well, I took the one I had back, and now I have nothing to bring my daughter home from the hospital in... he's asked my color pref, but no word since. Nothing. So, since I've heard nothing - and my due date has come and gone - I feel the need to go back to the store I bought the other travel system at and hope it's still in stock. Even if he just texted me to say he doesn't have the cash flow right now, that's fine - at least I'd know SOMETHING!

My mom has said for me to give him a chance... yeah, my baby shower was a month ago - he's had PLENTY OF TIME... I told her that she oughtta call him and tell him that he broke my heart... that's how I feel right now. I love Scott - he's one of the cousins I don't get to see very often (he lives in Michigan), and I've always felt a connection with him... sort of like a consigliere.

Gabe's co-worker told him that I should have my doc give me a work release... that she thinks I'm not dilating due to work stress. I don't have that much stress at work - beyond some fucker drinking half my 7up (my name on the bottle) and putting it back in the fridge. I don't think taking off early from work would help... at home, I'd be on my ass most of the day, and at work, I get up, walk around to do my job - and that keeps my hips loose and not as sore. *sigh* Gabe thinks I'm in the wrong for not taking her advice - well, whatever, I doubt my job is as stressful as hers... I appreciate that she wants to help us out... but I'm not really trusting of people who don't know me (she knows him, and he knows me - but I don't want to know her. Really)...and I almost always think there's an ulterior motive. If she doesn't have one, great ... if she does, then I'm a step ahead because I expected it.

Yes, I hate feeling like that... but they are valid feelings.

......grrrr. Between Val's procrastinating, not hearing from Scott, and unsolicited advice from a virtual stranger - I'm pretty fucking frustrated.

39 week update from Weds

2009-06-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

So... STILL no dilation. Not ripe for induction.

Plenty frustrated.

BP was 126/84, Val's HR was 146 ... all good and normal.

Had some bleeding - not just spotting - after that exam... but not until that evening. Scared the fuck out of me... not enough to go to L&D, but enough to call the on-call OB.

My hips hurt.. badly. If I sit in my chair at work for 30 minutes and then have to get up for anything - it HURTS until my pelvis warms up again. My entire pelvic girdle hurts... I know it's normal - but that doesn't make it all better!

So... this will be short, because I need to walk out some soreness...

Feeling super weird today...emo is just the beginning

2009-06-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I slept all damn day. I really did. Went to bed this morning between 3:30am and 4am ...sometime in there. Got up about 12 hours later...

Okay, so I got up a few times... to go to the bathroom mostly, but Gabe woke me up with a great breakfast. He went grocery shopping after work, and came home and made me a fresh fruit bowl - bananas, oranges & kiwis. *drool* I'm not one who can eat right after crawling out of bed... but Gabe was right there with me, laying next to me - feeding me. I HAD to munch on the fruit... and it tasted so freakin' good. He said it was to thank me for working on his legs last night before he went to work... that they felt so much better. I just like making him feel good - he takes such good care of me, that it's only fair that I take good care of him, too.

((TMI WARNING)) Today, I've had loose stools all day... and from what I hear, that's a precursor to labor. Maybe... but damn, does it happen a week ahead of time?? I've kinda had my heart set on my baby girl being a Gemini ... I'm starting to accept that she'll be a Cancer. I'm gonna love and spoil her all to pieces anyway... I just understand Geminis more. Me, my best friend, my b-day twin (Sabrina), among several others. I don't have much experience with Cancers - my cousin, Eva, is the Cancer I grew up with...always kinda quiet and sweet. It doesn't matter to me WHEN she's born - as long as it's soon... Mommy's uncomfortable and achy. I just want her healthy and happy.

So, I guess I'm just trying to figure out in my head when labor's going to start... sleeping all day, loose stool, general discomfort... I sleep fine - which is good. I just get comfy for a couple hours then have to get up and pee, so I have to reconfigure and reposition my body when I go back to bed... hip pain is a biatch!!

Not just the hips that are falling apart though... I'm whining about my knees, my hips, my lower back ... not just my hips but my ENTIRE PELVIC GIRDLE - it feels like it's about to come apart. I've also got a knot in my back right between my left shoulder blade and my spine - ouchie!

Aside from feeling weird today...

Gabe and I are going to try and go fishing in the morning for a couple hours... we haven't been to Galveston since before Ike landed, and I really just want to get in the water before Val is born. Tomorrow will be like a mini-babymoon ... so today, I'm in partial-nesting mode. ALL of the dishes are clean, save for 1 pan and a couple plastic containers that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher. I'm continuing to wash clothes - started last night - but I want them all clean and hung up tonight. The only problem is the POS washer/dryer in my apartment. The washer doesn't spin properly, so I have to spin heavy stuff twice... the dryer isn't drying completely. I usually have to dry heavy stuff on 2 cycles... seems like 3 is what's being called for now. I don't have a small vacuum to clean out the lint thingy... the trap that comes out? Yeah, that gets cleaned between every cycle and every load. The part that holds it? Well, it seems to need more extensive cleaning... I'll be calling maintenance first thing Monday morning... no sense in calling them now - since they don't work weekends unless it's an emergency.

blahhhhh

/end ramble

38 week update from Weds

2009-06-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

So... Wednesday was my 38 week appointment, and I'm sad to say - I have NOTHING new to report!

BP was 126/82 (which is good) and baby's heart rate was 136 (also good). Doc is VERY pleased with my BP... I'm definitely staying on my current meds AFTER bringing Val into the world... it works better than the previous prescription... and IT"S GENERIC!!!! I pay $10 for 120 pills (4/day)...even though I only take 3/day, per doc orders. He Rx'd 4/day just in case, back in December. Up until 2 months ago, I was on 2/day, so 1 refill would last me 2 months (no complaints here - saves me $$). I don't actually take 3/day every day - about 1/2 the week I do take /3day, but if I can REMEMBER to bring the extra pill to work with me, I'll be able to take that extra pill. (note to self: bring pills to work!)

Doc said my cervix is "a little more" thinned out, but still not dilated "I can't get my finger in there" ...ok, so STOP TRYING! That's why it's not so comfortable! lol (Will... if you leave a comment, just leave that part out, ok? lol-cervy is a lot more sensitve right now)

...all is well, pretty much. I've finally gotten some sleep. Still need a massage and a back crack. Would settle for a good deep massage... extra attention on some special points on my ankles, forearms, and wrists. :D

I feel allergies coming on again this morning. Really? I can't be able to breathe w/o blowing my schnozz while I'm trying to push this meatloaf into the world? *sigh* ...you know, WHENEVER I do go into labor that is...

Please send me labor vibes friends... I need them. The sun is only in Gemini until late tomorrow... ;)

On my skincare soapbox - Mineral Oil

2009-06-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

Most everyone here knows I'm a massage therapist (yes, licensed), and that I feel very strongly against the use of mineral oil on skin...

Read this: http://www.click2houston.com/health/19725357/detail.html

""Mineral oil is found in so many skin care and cosmetic products. This particular oil is not the best choice to be used in skin care products yet it is placed in many popular skin care product," says Elkins. "Read your labels."

Mineral oil clogs pores, she says."

This is something they teach on the FIRST day of massage therapy school. It has stuck with me ever since. Huge beauty corporations like Avon and Mary Kay continue to use mineral oil in MUCH of their skin care lines.

When I was massaging for MK, my consultant asked me to try some foot cream... before it touched my skin, I read the ingredients, and I told her that mineral oil is not something to be put on skin - it clogs pores. The word for "does not clog pores" is "non-comedogenic" in the skin care industry. This particular MK product had "non-comedogenic" on the tube... it's a LIE.

My mom knows how I feel about mineral oil, and she's a 20+ year AVON rep. I've told her about it and even shown her how mineral oil will sit on your skin, while almond oil penetrates and softens.

Companies use mineral oil because the shelf life is measured in years, whereas good oils have shelf life measured in months. Mineral oil is also CHEAP. Notice how much Johnson's baby oil costs? That's the primary ingredient.

Yes, sweet almond, safflower, sunflower, and grapeseed oils cost more... but you don't have to use much to get softer skin - just pat a little dab on your fingertips and pat onto skin, then massage it in...

Anybody care to join in the discussion? Questions or comments?

37 week update...

2009-06-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that? 37 weeks! It's so weird that I'm going to the doc EVERY week, and every visit I get a hand up my woo-hoo! ...SO not comfortable.

BP 126/80 - normal, very good (esp considering I nearly missed my 2nd pill yesterday - I took it 30 mins before getting BP taken, so yeah, it seems my BP is good)

Val's heartrate - 140, normal.

Cervix - 75% effaced, not dilated yet. Softer & thinner, but not opening - that's ok, we have the weekend to work on that *wink*

Since the doc was down there yesterday, I can say w/absolute certainty that I KNOW where my cervix is, and that some of the pains I'm having are IN my cervix. Ouch!

New pains - hips, oh, my hips! Seriously, it feels like my entire pelvic girdle is going to fall apart any minute. The good news - walking helps. In more ways than one... If I sit for too long - work, driving, chillin at home - then it's serious ouchies when I get up to hobble to the bathroom or kitchen (or around the office, whatever). I realize it's all normal pains... but it's making me realize that I've got more pain right around the corner and I really need to step up my nesting game!

Mom & Dad are heading out to Louisiana tomorrow for Britt's graduation & 18th birthday party... poor child, having Kim as her mother... lol.

In other news, Carrie Prejean got kicked out of the Miss America crap... GOOD! She needs to grow up and realize that the world is changing. At 22 and growing up trading on her looks - she hasn't ever lived in the REAL world. Now that she has to find real work, maybe she'll meet new people - although, the narrow-minded people seem to ONLY find other narrow-minded morons to hang with.

Hopefully, she'll get the chance to realize that marriage should be allowed for EVERY person... I used to joke that everybody should be able to experience the misery of marriage... not just heteros. Marriage isn't all bad - it changes things, sure, but life is a constant change. You either adapt or things fall apart. Several states are adapting to ALLOW gay people to marry - HOORAY for those states! It will be a LONG time before Texas can join them...but TX is a long-time red state.
.. lol

36 week update and baby shower!

2009-06-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

First, the usual update - BP was 122/82 (this is good) and baby's HR was 136 (also good). Midwife was in and she didn't check me, so I don't officially know if there's been progress or not... I'll find out when I go back on Wednesday. I'm sure by now that SOME progress has been made... considering how achy my low back and my pelvic region has been this weekend. Gabe and I did a lot of walking yesterday...and it feels like my hips are about to split. Not painful, really... just uncomfortable.

On to yesterday's fun... my baby shower. It was a pretty good thing at first... good food, good conversation.... yummy cake - and PRESENTS! lol...lots of basics and necessities, and a cute goth-y dress from Mel.

The part that bothered me the most? Realizing how little everybody knows me and how MY knowledge of MY body doesn't matter to any of them.

My choice to ask for pain relief for labor & delivery is just that - MY CHOICE. It's not for ANYBODY ELSE to say "you're gonna want it", "you're gonna need it", "it's not that bad", "it's not as bad as labor pains","just get the damn epi", or "you're not going to be able to handle it" ... really? REALLY??? Is this YOUR body? NO. This is MY body... and the choice to go all natural is MY CHOICE. I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR OPINIONS ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THE ONLY OPINION THAT MATTERS ABOUT MY BODY IS MINE! If you have not lived in my body, then you have no fucking clue what goes on in my body... you don't know how I interpret pain signals. Every body and every pregnancy is different right? So stop trying to make MY pregnancy into YOURS! It's not yours - it's mine ... and I don't want your asshole in my face so why in hell would I want your opinion there?

OH - and the stupidest part of the shower?? When we got to Olive Garden, Mom asked them to hold the cake until we asked for it. Cool. When we were ready for the cake... you know what those dumb-fuck waiters did??? THEY PUT A FUCKING CANDLE IN THE CAKE AND LIT IT...!!!! WTF?? The cake said "WELCOME VAL" ... How in the holy fuck do you get "happy birthday" out of "WELCOME"??? Stupid...stupid people. When they set the cake down, and I saw the candle... I told the silly girl "You can take that candle out - it's NOT my birthday...and the cake doesn't say happy birthday" ... duh! She took the candle and the gathered wait staff left... fucking idiots.

...when mom and I were bringing my stuff to my apartment afterwards, my neighbor, Molly, said "oohh, baby shower.. ARE YOU READY???" ..that is ALL she fucking knows how to say. Fine. I don't talk to the bitch anymore... Gabe asked if I said anything back to her... I said "no, I'm waiting till she comes up with something more original" ... until she can talk to me without being high as a fucking kite, I've got nothing to say to her.

So...that was my shower...nothing too exciting.

35 week update

2009-05-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

I got the cervical check today - still all closed up!

Also got the beta strep test ...none of it was fun, but the qtip is much nicer than the hand! My doc did apologize for the pain, and said "you were the one complaining about the BH" ...lol.

BP was 126/73 - he was SHOCKED at my BP! I don't remember exactly what he said... something like, "you're hanging in there, BP is good, surprisingly" .. wtf?! Am I supposed to have high BP just because I'm 8mos prego AND obese??? Not always doc! Especially when I've been better about my diet and my meds... not so much the diet today - biscuit sammich & OJ for brkfast and pb&j for lunch.

Val's heartrate was 135, and the doppler kept picking up mine, too....made it sound like her heart was skipping beats.

More of the same next week, I'm sure... I've really gotten used to my Wednesday appointments, but the office is closed for whatever reason next Weds, so I have to miss even MORE time at work by going in at 230 on Thursday... I'll just have to see if I can take 1/2 a vacay day... the 40-45 minutes I miss by having my 4pm appt on Weds is super easy to make up - 3+ hours is not so easy to make up...mostly because I refuse to work through my lunch for 3 days...hell to the no! I spend enough time there during the week anyway. :D

So that's my 35-weeker ladies - all is well ... here's hoping for a negative GBS outcome.

We also finished our registration for the hospital stay and paid the $107 that I owed! woohoo! I'm really glad I pre-registered online... I only had to sign 4 forms and pay the balance of my deductible... the online forms? 9 or so pages... hell - my hand would have killed me! lol... but it's all done now - ready for blast off! ...I just wish my apartment was ready.

After the doc & hospital stuff, Gabe and I went to eat at Beijing chinese buffet....haven't been in a while...and damn, it was good!

I'm grateful for... (orig post on Pregfo)

2009-05-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

Gabe is the most amazing, thoughtful man I've ever met... I'm incredibly grateful at how well he knows me (and I him) and how he just knows how to take care of me, and calm me down.

I'm grateful to be carrying our daughter - from the second I met him, I KNEW he'd be an amazing Dad, and she is getting so many gifts from both of us, but I think she'll get his intuition and sensitivities, as they are stronger than mine (at least right now)...and they've been stronger since he's moved down - like our strengths are stronger when we're together (does that make sense?).

I'm grateful to have the most amazing parents. It took me moving to VA, living alone, and surviving my first husband's suicide for my dad to be more open about his feelings... you should read the notes on the backs of the photos in his wallet! They are SO emotional and loving - I get leaky-eyed just thinking about it!

I'm grateful that my brother is 8.5 years older and I've seen what he's struggled with - and it's made me make wiser choices. I loveloveLOVE him with my whole heart and soul - and I could NOT have picked a better brother. He gave me a beautiful niece and a handsome nephew - both of whom I love so very, very much.

I'm grateful to Gabe for saving my life. He's done it more than once. It started in the weeks after the suicide, and it keeps going. He kept me from going fully to the darkest parts of my soul... from ending my own life, more than once. I just look at him and know that my life means something. He's made me change my past destructive behaviors (think: cutting, etc) and made me see that they don't do me any good, and seeing the scars would only make me feel worse down the road. He's healed so many parts of my heart and soul... he's closed up wounds, smoothed over the roughest scars, and he even made some scars disappear - I don't need them anymore.

I can never fully thank him for everything he's done for me... but I try to, a little bit every day.

The dreams have started again.. I can't freakin' believe it!!!

2009-05-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

Seriously? I love having vivid, detailed dreams, but couldn't they be of lighter topics than the end of the world and my apt getting broken into while I'm home alone???

Friday or Saturday night, I can't remember now, I had the lava bomb dream again... I had it in the first trimester, and it scared the SHIT outta me. This time, there was no foot-deep ash on the ground... there was the HUGE boom overhead (imagine an M-80 going off), and then when we went outside, there was glowing ashes falling to the ground, hitting the house... and I was off to grab the hose again.

I also had the "fridge won't close" dream. My fridge is top & bottom, and both doors would NOT close, no matter how many times Gabe and I closed them. There was nothing propping them open; they closed easily... and then would just open again. Just barely. Not enough to turn on the light in the fridge... I nearly started screaming "get out of my house!" again.

Last night or this morning, I dreamed that my front door opened (I could see the light from the door opening), and that I heard voices - or WAS it a dream? It could very well have been people outside my bedroom window... well, then, I woke up to hearing a middle-aged man's voice say "I'll take care of it myself" ... WTF??? ...and I could see him (behind me-again, dream?) taking off a pair of black leather gloves. I turned over and there was nobody there... unwanted energy, perhaps? I don't know, but I was freaking out... I got instantly cold all over and broke out into a sweat - NOT a good feeling when all I'm trying to do is get some sleep so I can work today...

I already don't like the idea of being home alone at night while Gabe's working... I would just about rather go over to my parents' house to sleep - especially after that last dream. Fuck - if the apt gets broken into, we have renters' insurance to replace anything that gets stolen, but that doesn't cover feelings of security, which one should most definitely have at home. I've NEVER been robbed - and I want to keep it that way... my car got broken into last September (along with 40 others), but nothing was taken.

Gabe said he'd investigate the energies at home...and he said he did feel something, like dust, that it felt like a middle-aged man WAS in the apartment - or at least the energy of one - and that it was likely a mistake, that he'd popped in on the wrong person... definitely need to up my barriers again. I can't stand that scared feeling when I'm trying to sleep.

It doesn't help that when Gabe & Pat were cleaning up and throwing stuff out, they threw away the big Bose speakers that I'd been using as a barricade of sorts against the front door. It was a small measure of security for me...but that thing was HEAVY!!! *sigh*

33 week update

2009-05-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

So, went back to doc yesterday - very uneventful appointment, which is GOOD!

BP was 133/80 which he's very happy about, considering it was much higher last week. Baby's heartrate was 130 - normal... and my uterus is measuring RIGHT up to my ribs... also normal, but no wonder heartburn's been killing me!

Everything's good and I go back in 2 weeks... I'll be 35 weeks then - OY!

This past Sunday, on Mother's Day, Gabe and I married at my parents' house in the front yard, and Raven officiated. The ceremony she wrote for us was incredibly beautiful, and all three of us were in tears - very emotional indeed. The pics are up in my photo albums.

We have our Preparing for Childbirth class on Saturday - ick, it's allll dayyyy loooong! 9-5, in the Woodlands... so much for a day off! lol

Tomorrow, we're taking Pat to HMNS to see the Genghis Khan exhibit - wanted to see the Terra Cotta Warriors, too, but that opens NEXT Friday. I'm pretty sure Gabe and I will go see it eventually... :)

32 week update

2009-05-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

So, I went back to the doc yesterday for my 32 week appt... and he was doing a C-section, so I got to see the midwife, Kari, whom I adore!

BP was up where it shouldn't be - 140/90, so now I have to try and take my meds 3x/day on a regular basis, instead of here and there... so, because of the BP, I have to go every freakin week instead of every other week...

...this kinda pisses me off, but mostly it's because I have to work through one lunch/week and some combination of coming in early or cutting short my lunch hour to make up the time... ugh!

Kari also said that he might do another ultrasound in the next two weeks to check for growth - I'm not complaining! Any more time I get to see Val on screen, I'm happy!

She said the goal is to keep her cookin until at least 38 weeks ... which puts me at June 17th/18th - fine by me! That's when I WANT her born! I'm trying to telepathically psych her up so she wants it too! I said June 18th at the last ultrasound... 6 weeks is all that's left.

I also got word from the hospital this week that I only have to pay $107 to the hospital to meet my deductible - after that, everything is 100% covered. I'll go do that after one of the next appointments - don't have the cash right now. (If people that owed me money would pay me back, I would.)

Right now, my allergies are giving me hell... not the sinus-based allergies, but skin allergies! I can't wear my engagement ring b/c of the contact dermatitis! My left ring finger is SOOOO irritated and red, itchy & gross ... and I can't wear my ring until it clears up! This just started in the last month, and I've been wearing this ring since December 22nd. I hope it starts to go away soon - gotta be able to get both my rings on this Sunday. :)

30 week update :)

2009-04-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

Went to the doc yesterday... had the u/s first! I LOVE the sonographer at my OB's office, she's SO friendly and sweet!

Baby Val is measuring 1-2 weeks ahead, and weighing in at about 4lbs! That's what Gabe weighed when he was born! She said that Val is head down and facing like she's ready - lol - and had a full head of hair, full pouty lips and chubba cheeks!

She asked if doc was going to do a c-sect or not, and you know me - umm, not if we can help it, esp since surgery=more needles. I'll do it if I *have* to, if baby's in danger, but otherwise, nuh-uh.

Val was sleeping through the whole thing! Gabe even poked at her - you could see it on the screen - and she MADE A FACE!! She made the SAME face he does when I go to try and wake him up!!

In with the doc... BP is normal at 130/80, protein is just a trace. On to my staring down my doctor, daring him to taunt me...

I had a headache starting when I went to lunch with the girls in the office yesterday... started at the base of my skull and went upward from there. The knot at the back my neck was huge and painful... and I ask the doc - please, please tell me I can take something that's actually going to work - even his NURSE agreed that Tylenol isn't strong enough. What does he RX me? Fioricet .. It's 325 mgs of Tylenol (yo, I take the 500 when I need to), and it's got 40mgs of caffeine (to help the tylenol) and 50 mgs of Butalbital - a SEDATIVE to "aid in relaxation" blah blah.

I took one while still at CVS. Gabe and I get home with our subs... he pops in a movie, and it's not long before I'm passing out on his shoulder. When I wake up - the pain was still there. I make myself take another one... I go to bed an hour later - and wake up 3 hours later in severe headache-land in a pool of sweat (not quite a migraine, but that will be discussed in two weeks). Nearly in tears, I get up and go to the living room (where Gabe is gaming), and grab ONE ibuprofen and shove it down w/some water. I sit on the toilet - b/c that's pg women sometimes have to do... Gabe got a cool wet rag and wiped me down... and I'm in tears because it hurts so bad.
He gives me a kiss - a couple of them (I love his healing, loving touch) - and I get back to bed.

I damn near cry myself to sleep, but apparently, I was only half-awake to begin with... I wake up AGAIN (lol) to go P at 3:35, just as Gabe came to bed. Headache.Is.GONE!

Back to bed, snuggle with my man for a bit...and we both pass out.

I'm still a bit drained from the headache yesterday, but I can function now.

While Val is measuring ahead, my EDD is not changing - however, I do believe I will be a line-jumper. I'm thinking that she'll be making her debut sometime between the 18th & 20th of June. :)

Get out of my house! Get out!

2009-03-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't had ANY freaky-scary dreams in a couple of weeks... not that I remember, anyway.

Last night, I could not get comfortable, and I couldn't sleep. I kinda blame the 2-hour nap Gabe & I had when I got home.

I remember seeing something wavy in the air and telling it to leave.

Then I turned over and "went back to sleep" ... only to wake up with no voice to scream with... Eventually, something came out so at the top of my lungs - "GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!"

This happened a couple times. I don't know what or who I was yelling at, but it felt like something/someone was trying to get in... In where, though? My apartment? My head? I felt scared but not to the point where I was shaking when I did finally wake up.

Gabe asked if I wanted him closer, and yes, I most definitely did. I sleep better when I'm touching him or when he's holding me. So he rearranged my body pillow, and I turned over and got comfy. His arms around me, I felt safe and cozy, and eventually drifted off... then I "woke up" screaming again - starting with no voice, just as before... but this time, it took longer to get my voice back. That angered me, and I put more force into screaming...

I don't understand WTF is going on here. There's nothing I find threatening in the apartment.

Gabe told me that there's a spirit trying to attach herself to me, but she's finding it difficult because I am resisting and because I have no idea where Serena (my crystal) is ... I know she's somewhere IN the apartment. Now, I did try to reach out to this spirit and tell her to come into my dreams to communicate...and I asked her to put on a familiar face... but I can't help but wonder if that was her that was scaring me. I wouldn't think so, as she, through Gabe, told me that she's here for me and the baby... just as James is there for Gabe and the baby.

I can't deal with more dreams like that...

Bratty time - baby shower whine

2009-03-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

Mom wants to have my baby shower at Chuck E. Cheese.

NO.

I did not care for Chuck E. Cheese (Chunky Cheese, as she calls it) as a child, why in HELL would I want to go now??

She said it's to entertain all the kids that would be at my baby shower... oh really? Because there's going to be more kids than adults? I don't think so. In fact, kids over 5 are not invited. Period. I don't SEE any relatives or friends' kids regularly (there ARE some exceptions - and unfortunately, I may be fuckin' guilted into letting ALLLLLL my family's kids come), and I'm not about to fend off a bunch of fucking questions at MY baby shower. I'd just as soon have an all adult baby shower... with the exception of the little ones - like Kristin's Emie and Eva's Addison ... little ones, I can deal with.

As far as I'm concerned - and this goes along with every other baby shower I've been to - this is MY day to sit on a lily pad and be worshiped. Ok, not really worshiped, but it's one of the few days that are all about ME! ...and it's not even a recurring event. It's a one-time thing, unlike my birthday or mine & Gabe's anniversary. One time!

...and I should get a say in food, games, people to be invited and location. Does anyone disagree?

Seriously - a couple of kids, I can deal with ... if I've actually been in contact with them in the last year or so... Eva's kids, yes, her sister and SIL's kids? Meh - I don't ever see them... honestly - I could go w/o seeing her SIL. Ever. The last time I saw her, she'd been more snobby than ever, and I don't need a reason to feel pressured or stressed when I'm pregnant and at a party for me and my baby.

If Mom's looking for a way to cut costs - don't serve food! Cake, ice cream & drinks are ALL you really need. Seriously! I certainly don't want the option of pimento cheese sandwiches (which were served at my cousin's shower in Feb) - ugh... *shudders*

I want a simple gathering - friends and family that actually give a damn about Gabe, Val & me - not just coming because it's a party and time to be social. Those of you who really know me, know I don't like dealing with bullshit. If you REALLY want to come and show love for Val and me - wonderful, I can't wait to see you there (and kiss on all the chubba-cheeked babies!).

No, we don't have a date yet, but since I'm due around the end of June/early July, that's something Mom & I really need to nail down soon... and we will, once we decide on WHERE! ...lol.

It's not going to be Chuck E Cheese. Hell no. It may be at mom's house, but it might have to be outside to fit everyone... then again, if Gabe and I take the leap and buy a house - THAT is where it will be ... and we'll call it an "unpacking" baby shower...kidding!

Dreams vs. Reality ... an interesting new symptom

2009-03-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

So here's a new pregnancy symptom - not being able to tell my dreams from reality. OY!

I had a couple dreams this morning about Gabe. In one, we were talking houses and he asked if I'd found anymore... being half-asleep and wanting to stay that way until I HAD to get up, I kinda got a mad at him saying something like "they list new houses every day!" ... more whining than anything...

I was completely certain he'd asked me this, but I just texted Gabe and asked - nope, not a conversation we had... but keep looking anyway. LOL

In the other dream, I was trying to get ready for work, but was running late, and Gabe and I were faux-arguing over something silly - but I couldn't tell that he wasn't frustrated ... until I handed him a banana and said "take this with you" and he kinda smirked and I started giggling... jeez.

Funny thing though... he did take a banana with him. So did I.

My dreams have just been weird lately... out of far left field! I don't get it. My dreams have always had a fantastic quality about them... but now, I swear it's all baby brain ... I just have to really try and not get mad at people for the shit they pull in my dreams - it could be real or not...

Oh... and I woke up for a potty run about 2:45 ... and I had NO clue what day it was. I kept thinking... man, I have a doc appointment today... or is it tomorrow? Hmm... so I looked at my phone. Jeez... I really had a better grip on this brain a long time ago.